:: one hand in my pocket ::

things to be falling right into place again. the rythmn of life is back! it's like ah... nice! it's like listening to a nice piece of music and painting a piece of art at the same time. it's so harmonious and calm.

i decided not to take the prozac pill today. i wanna try to wean myself off it. it was a little uptight in the morning 'cause i didn't really have enough sleep. but all was rather good after that.

i've decided to quit smoking. yeah i know i've said that countless of times. but this time, i threw the lighters away along with the ashtrays. undergoing the cold turkey kinda self-rehabilitation is actually not a good way to quit according to the experts. i was told to cut down slowly... but i am always too eager for results. i can't wait. i don't want to wait. so it's up to my determination now to see if i can withstand temptations.

next on my list will to be quit drinking. this is sorta in line with quitting smoking. ultimately i wanna try to lead a life that's 'normal' in a sense. i will still drink during social occasions, and only during social occasions.

yup yup.

brother will be going to aussie on the 10th of july or some time there. daddy and mummy will move down to occupy his room and my room will be made into the study. i will be moving up into the spacious room. apart from the ugly toilet, i'm quite thrilled to think about moving up. refund will have more space to roam around when i am away, and that's a major plus point.

mondays have never been so nice before.

:: new t shirt ::

daddy bought this for me.



so cute uh.

:: a higher state of consciousness ::

i don't know why. i just suddenly feel so peaceful tonight. =)

:: what a bad way to start a week ::

these few days had been quite ah... shitty i would say. things seems to be going the wrong way for me. hmmm... it's only monday and it's already quite bad. sheesh.

i went for training today because i was threatened with weekend trainings if i do not turn up. so fine, i'll just follow the rules and make everyone's life easier. ran quite alot and i came back first among the cohort. please take note at this point that the whole cohort that ran today really sucks big time. muahaha. alright, back to my whining. so i was beaming away, though tired, cause i manage to complete the run way before the timing.

then i puked. my lunch came out with it. sickening! the most upsetting thing is that so many people walked pass and saw me puking like the merlion. fuck. now i don't feel like going to camp tomorrow cause i bet someone would mention about my puking incident. damn it. it's so embarrassing!

i hate mondays.

:: drug dependent ::

i am getting a little too dependent on the prozacs. i tried not taking any today and i felt like everything sucks. so i took the pill again and dunked 2 cans of coke down my throat and started blasting my speakers till i felt better. thinking back now, it's kinda scary.

it's said that chocolates helps control depression. i don't know how true is that. but i had always loved chocolates. i wonder if there's any connection somewhere? i feel happy whenever i eat chocolates. the feeling is just... wonderful.

i suddenly miss all my friends. ah... goodnight.

:: listen it live ::

gaydarradio officially rocks. was listening to it sometime back and sorta lost the link to it when i cleaned up my harddisk. so now it's back on my workstation and yeah yeah yeah! i was supposed to go clubbing last night. but i didn't go in the end cause i was listening to the station and thought it was better. haha. armed with my trusty chivas and texas 5, it's quite enjoyable to stay home sometimes.

listen to it @ http://www.gaydarradio.com

:: birthday blues ::

ok i am quite sore that i am actually 22 instead of 21 now. age is catching up on me and i am still like unsettled. the future seems like a huge blur to me now. what will i be doing in the later part of my life? i really don't know. going to australia to further my studies and come back to work here as a vet is sorta a dream. but whether it will become reality, i am not too sure. i probably won't survive long alone over there. seriously i don't even feel like leaving. everything is familiar here and not there.

i think i have become immuned to prozacs. it didn't work for me today. somehow i think there is a huge adverse effect. i feel like crying now, but the tears just wouldn't flow. i feel suffocated. it has been a long time since i cried, will tonight be the night?

i need a release. so much pent up frustrations inside me. or probably i need someone who can lift me up and fly with the eagles. where is my angel with wings? i am still waiting for you, do you know that?

:: birthday ::

i am turning 22 soon. like another 30minutes or so? i am just maturing and not turning old alright. i don't look 22 anyway. i'll try to stay happy for as long as i can and that will probably make me look younger. haha.

had dinner with greg at nydc just now. the food is horrible. it's like ah... waste money and spoil the mood. the service is quite poor too. and the air there actually stained out shirts with some eeeky smell.

so we proceeded to watch troy, which is quite fantastic. probably cause it's quite a long movie and we had more time to have our fingers fitting each other's. i felt like pecking his cheek, but didn't have enough balls to do it. the last time i did it, he was all red and flustered. so i guess public affection isn't really his cuppa tea.

wanted to take cab home, but the taxi stand was full of people. i was secretly happy for awhile, cause it means that we cannot go our seperate ways so early. haha. cheap thrill i know. but anyway we called for cabs, and yah... that sums up the day.

oh yah, i bought him chocolates cause i shouted at him over the phone this morning. i just woke up and ah... was feeling a little uptight. i think he likes the chocolates. heh. he got a me a nautica tshirt. though it looks like it's a re-wrap, it's from him, and i am happy to receive it.

such a wonderful sunday. probably ask him out again some time in the coming weekend to make up for the poor dinner we had.

:: homophobic? ::

i went swimming just now cause the weather was just tempting. the pool's rather quiet today, which is good.

then there came this guy who started to talk to me. he's from thailand and is here to visit his relatives. blah blah blah. then he started talking about showering with guys. and then he asked me if i had ever been abused by another guy before. my answer was 'no'. how can i claim that i had been abused since i was a willing party? lol. anyway his probing became suffocating and i decided to act homophobic and started swimming away from him and got outta the pool.

if he was a lil younger and had a better looking face and bod, i might had been more friendly. *whistles*

:: it's working! ::

the pills are working. i do not feel upset anymore even when things get a little negative. wonder how it works uh.

i've got my e100a already. cost $488! i got it at the samsung shop at suntec last night. nice phone actually. too bad i cannot get a camera phone. maybe next year then i change a new phone again.

greg's upset with me. i told him that maybe we shouldn't watch a movie tonight since it's gonna be pretty late. so fine. then he suggested going for lunch instead. i just woke up and saw the message, so i called him. and ah... i sounded damn unhappy about it i think, and so did he with regards to my response. so it's still dinner in the end, but i doubt it will be as enjoyable as it should be.

time to move on...

:: loot ::

my loot so far

1) 2 new t shirts from paul lim
2) 1 set of 3 neem products from the girls

the neem products are mainly for refund. anyway i stole his ester c paul lim gave to him and had them for myself anyway. so refund, we are quits now.

daddy is gonna buy me a new phone. my samsung e100a! going to buy it tonight i think.

:: oh oh ::

i lost the whole pack of prozacs. die.

:: prozac nation ::

oh man! my shrink gave me 35 prozac and ask me to take 1 daily over 5 weeks. do i really need them? i am contemplating whether i should. i am just afraid that i might become erm... emotionless?

:: mid week crisis ::


cause all of the stars,
have faded away.
just try not to worry,
you'll see them some day.
just take what you need,
and be on your way.
and stop crying your heart out.
stop crying your heart out.


i am up to my neck at work. projects, projects and more projects. there isn't much free time left for me to relax and take a break. but luckily, it's becoming a little better on greg's side and it sorta consoles me a little.

gotta go see the shrink tomorrow at nuh due to the anxiety disorder issue. it's stated that i should bring a family member along. eargh. i am so not gonna do that. but anyway, i'll just go and see what's installed for me. hopefully no mind-drilling talks that will probably make me flare up. i was referred there once last year and that was the last time i turned up.

looking at the past month's bills, hmmm, i think i have went a little over my budget. it's the first time in the past few months that my expenditure is higher than my income. it must be the marlboros and chivas i had been sucking on all day.

looking on the brighter side, my birthday's next monday. so let's see. i'll be having dinner with greg on sunday and maybe a movie after that? i am not sure man. it might be a little late for him to watch a movie after dinner. and where should we dine? better start planning now.

:: shortlived weekend ::

this weekend seems exceptionally short. nothing has been accomplished really except that i cleaned my room, the hamster, rabbit and bathed refund. there's no goal for now and i have no path to follow, just taking each day as it comes, bumming around.

temper has been a little short lately. there hasn't been a minute of good mood since last week. i feel as if i am fighting a war with myself everyday. when will this ever end...

i don't talk much nowadays. i don't hang out with people that often anymore. even last night at the club, i was labelled 'proud' by some people because i wasn't in the mood to socialise. everyday i come home, sit in front of the computer and just blast the music away till 1 or 2 in the morning.

i run. keep running till my legs and body are about to give way, yet i still can't sleep. i feel deprived. damn fucking deprived.

:: clubbing ::

it has been a long time since i went clubbing. i don't really enjoy it anymore. the music's too loud and it gave me a headache. the mist machine is creating too much artificial mist, coupled with the amount of cigarette smoke the people are producing, it made my eyes water and it was rather painful. spent quite alot too, not good.

terence actually still likes me. he saw me and was grinning the whole time. i looked him up at whynot cause taboo and waterbar was exceptionally boring. i can see that he was rather happy. and he kissed me quite a number of times despite my nicotine plagued breath. i bet it feels like you are licking an ashtray.

so next weekend, i don't think i will go clubbing. a good dinner with greg hopefully, that's what i really wish for. greg greg greg... you are driving me nuts you know.

:: say it ::

alright, i got this from joshua's blog and mmhmm... i'll gonna put it up on mine since i am waiting for the food to digest before i head off for my swim.

first
girl best friend: jessica from laserquest
guy best friend: jj from the same school bus in primary 2
date: bingjun when i was in sec3... yeah he's a boy *laughs*
break-up: when the o levels was coming and we both went a little bonkers
self purchased album: andy lau's xie xie ni de ai *muahaha*
funeral: great grandma
pets: a pom called meimei (i know the name sux but i didn't choose it)
piercing/tattoo: 1st piercing in sec1 on the left lobe and 1st tattoo in sec2 on my chest
enemy: form teacher in primary 1 of course
play/musical/performance: disney on ice

current
girl best friend: paul lim
guy best friend: leo or yongchuan (they're both equally nice to me)
martial status: single
song playing: air supply - all out of love
thoughts: the weather is good for a swim
taste: texas 5 menthol ice
emotions: excited? it has been a long time since i went for a swim
status online: online
fav person: greg of course
wonder: where to celebrate my birthday
instrument played: my keyboard? it's an instrument right?
need: to sleep

last
cigarette: 10mins ago
kiss: last sunday morning
good cry: when greg posted out on friday
movie seen: 50 first dates with greg
beverage drank: barley
food consumed: bk chicken whopper junior
crush: jeffery
phone call: mike
tv show watched: animal planet, they were showing dog rescue
time showered: last night before i slept
shoes worn: my nike
item bought: the bk chicken whopper junior meal
annoyance: i was on leave yesterday and the fuckers at camp kept calling
disappointment: greg's unable to meet up tonight
time wanting to die: when i was at the medical check up for the course thing
shirt worn: my polo tee
website visited: joshua's blog

:: anxiety disorder? ::

my unit medical officer thinks i am suffering from anxiety disorder. i went for the 'fit for infantry' medical checkup yesterday to see if i am able to attend a 10week course. i didn't really wanna go 'cause i don't wanna miss the dog show in july and leaving my dog in the hands of my parents isn't such a comfortable thought. so i was quite nervous when it was my turn to go in. in the end they found nothing wrong with me at all. then i suddenly turned green and started having stomach cramps, weak knees and my whole body was trembling like i am gonna collapse anytime. that's was when they decided to put me on hold for 3 more months before deciding again if i need to attend the course.

and so... i got referred to the saf psychiatrist at nuh. i don't know when's the appointment yet.

i am relieved yet stressed out. at least i don't have to go for the course for the time being. but is there really something wrong with me? or is it just a reaction from my mind at that moment of time?

greg thinks i am weak i think. although he didn't put it directly across to me, his feeling is that i am not man enough for him. yeah, maybe. when the problems pile up and experience at work isn't that fantastic, it sorta killed the boyhood in me.

he told me to give it up 'cause he thinks we won't probably work it out eventually. but i talked to him and came to a compromise that there will be no promises for the time being. he treats me more like a friend for now. but i still treat him as somebody that is more than just a friend. eventually i still hope that it can really work out between us. he has all the basic qualities that i am looking out for.

i talked to leo last night about all these. he thinks that in order for someone to be 'man' enough and give the other party a sense of security and reliability, one has to be confident enough in life. there's a tinge of inferiority complex within me now. i feel that i don't shine as much as i used to when i am next to greg. it just seems to me that everything about him is so much better than me. he has got a great family, lotsa dough to fling around, a pretty face, outspoken and a very cultured life. leo says that in this era, there isn't such thing as background compatibility anymore. yeah i know that, but greg and i are truly from different walks of life. i am not giving up yet though things don't seem quite positive between me and greg now. but, there's no harm trying i guess. at least i wouldn't regret it, cause i know i have given my best.

:: i feel it in my fingers, i feel it in my toes ::

bahhh. i puked.

:: tired mind, body and soul ::

my mind's tired. too much projects for me to handle. there's the battalion performance management system which i had to program into the computer so that results can be tabulated and sorted into monthly, quarterly and annual output. there's a meeting every month for this and everytime the meeting is coming, i can feel myself getting very stressed out. there's the launch of the new intranet website which i have to oversee. then there is this introduction of knowledge management into the battalion and i have to come up with a new website for it. there's still the poster designs and other admin work i have to do. too much work and too little time. the pay kinda sucks too. fuck the army.

my whole body feels like a wreck. i had been losing sleep over numerous reasons. i admit i ask for it sometimes, but the majority of the reasons come from something i have no control over. training for ippt is no joke. fuck the army again.

my soul's dented. somebody show me the light. please. sometimes i look at my life and i think it's kinda dysfunctional. not much far-sightedness in terms of planning for the future. it's not that i do not wanna plan. but things are so uncertain sometimes and i won't know what will happen next. now i am leading a day by day kinda life, just taking things as they come. i am becoming numb. fuck myself.