:: time to take a break ::

it's time for me to take a rest. it's kinda exasperating when your efforts are being belittled and not appreciated. but it all fades to nothing and nothing matters anymore when the end comes. so what if you did this this this and this? it just doesn't matter anymore. maybe it never did.

:: quit burning the bridges that i've built ::

it's worse than shutting your door on me.

:: ouch ::

oh fuck i feel so messed up.

i'm feeling so sick inside.

ouch ouch ouch.

:: birthday ::

1st round of celebration is over. 1st round supposed to be on monday with pauline and gang, but something cropped up. so i had my 1st round yesterday with zach, joe and ting.

went to eat japanese food for lunch. haha i almost couldn't wake up in time and dear is like impatient with me. then we went to watch amityville horror at marina square. very good! i think it's better than house of wax in terms of plot. but it's stated that it's based on a true story, wonder how true is that.

after the movie we had nothing to do. so in the end we went for duck tour. haha! it's like damn expensive. but zach know the counter guy so we got 50% discount. but then it is still very expensive. and the motor of the boat is very noisy. gave me a headache.

then went clarke quay actually wanted to eat jumbo seafood for dinner. but so many stupid people there hogging the tables when they just finish their dinner and sit there to drink beer. so in the end we settled for brewerkz. it looks like a nice place. but the food is just so so only.

then went to this place attica to drink. the inside of the place is nice. but i think the service sucks. and the drinks are expensive. so in the end we stole 4 shot glasses and ran away. haha.

not bad for a birthday. it's something new to me.

so tonight round 2 with pauline and gang. no idea where to go yet. grapevine is like boring since we go there like 4 times a week. so maybe something else. ask them later.

then round 3 with people from the out network. going to cafe vienna i think. then going to drink somewhere after that. celebrating in conjunction with kenny's birthday. so maybe i ask kenny to decide where to go after cafe vienna. haha. cause i got zero idea.

maybe smoke too much now abit short termed memory and brain dead. but at least my room no mosquitoes.

:: black sunday ::

yesterday was a bad day. so many things happened.

kapturn kraus died. suspected that he might had died from shock cause there was a huge thunderstorm in the wee hours early in the morning.

maybe i am cursed or something. ever since after chinese new year, nothing has been going smoothly for me.

but it's gonna be alright. just like before.

:: key to my heart ::

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who have a split personality - cold as ice on the outside but hot as fire in the heart

In love, you feel the most alive when everything is uncertain, one moment heaven... the next moment hell.

You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic.

Your ideal relationship is comforting. You crave a relationship where you always feel warmth and love.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something that will confine you. You are afraid of marriage.

In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

:: razzmatazz ::

are we really heading where we really wanna go?

smiles, laughter and fun talk seems to be a daily facade. at the end of the day we are left with emptiness within. so, do what we do counts? are they just senseless actions since we all know that, some day, everything will just revert back to null? i have many questions in my head and it's hard to find even an answer. i'll probably feel less small if things that i do is appreciated. appreciation seems to have died. everyone around me seems to be plagued with problems. and all of them, like me, are constantly putting up a false front. happy faces and silly jokes seems to transform themselves into tears and angst when we are faced with the 4 walls of our room.

will i ever be really happy one day? happy meaning i feel contented, safe, secure and peaceful. i just hate to be living with doubts and insecurity all the time. if there's something to trade for that little piece of serenity, i will go all out to get it. it just means so much for me.

i told someone that being selfless is not gonna work out to your advantage in this imperfect world we are living in. but being too selfish wouldn't make things better. so where's the balance? how much is too much? giving in to someone you love and making him happy is such a nice thing to do. and in return you get a wonderful feeling of great accomplishment. but sometimes instead of the great feeling, you get a slap in the face. so should we give less just to safeguard our own feelings?

sometimes i feel that i've taken too big a bite off the apple. i think i am incapable of handling so many things at the same time. so i am always compromising. and once i compromise on 1 thing, i feel a great sense of remorse and guilt for not giving my best. and due to the heavy overload on my mind, i think i've compromised on everything. such that nothing gets my 100% effort. relationship, my friends, refund, kraus and my family.

i've suffered emotionally, physically and financially. i am not trynna trade here. but i hope i get something back in return. maybe my smile?

:: how deep is your love ::

so the day comes when we will each go our seperate ways.

whether it's tomorrow, next week, next month or next year? or would it be like 5 years? 10 years? it's all too uncertain and unpredictable.

i just feel discouraged by reality. who likes their dreams to be dashed?

i think words are double-edged swords. they can lift you up high or just slit your throat. it all depends on who's wielding this powerful sword.

i get scared sometimes. so scared that i do not wish to speak to anyone now. afraid to hurt and get hurt.

:: i feel ::

sad.

:: kapturn kraus part 2 ::

i got kapturn kraus already! he's a red face lutino. i got him from this breeder and i think he's really healthy. chubby and his feathers looks bright. but i guess he is still not too used to me yet. he always try to bite me when i carry him or try to feed him. haha. but it's not painful, so not so bad. hopefully he will warm up to me soon. refund thinks he is just a colorful piece of meat. he's forever trying to sneak up to the cage... just like what he did to bob. haha.

dear dear is sick. must be too much kissing and i spread my flu bug to him.

anyway i am feeling very sick now. somebody please shoot me!

:: kapturn kraus ::

i think i will name the new chick kapturn kraus. going to bedok to see tomorrow. hopefully there will be a nice one that i like. there's one at qf which is the color i like and it's quite tame already. but auntie want to sell us at $80 if we buy 2. and the other one is not the one that paul likes. but anyway i dreamt of it last night. paul and i went to buy from auntie but auntie told us that someone bought it already. but doesn't matter lah. hopefully the breeder has nice ones to choose from.

i am having a slight sore throat and flu now. must be the curry yesterday. it was really strong and i felt a little feverish after eating it. haha. must drinks lotsa water.

anyway for those interested, my birthday is coming in 16 days time. ok? get your presents ready. thank you.

for those who are not sure what to buy, you can always refer to the list below.

1) a new digital camera (no lousy one please)
2) a new samsung handphone
3) xbox games
4) lovebird <- taken by pauline already but i don't mind someone buying me 1 more
5) tshirts (those who know me will know what kind i like)
6) nike shoes
7) earrings and rings (stainless steel or surgical steel only)

anything other than that will also be deeply appreciated. it's the thought that counts right. hehe.