:: razzmatazz ::

are we really heading where we really wanna go?

smiles, laughter and fun talk seems to be a daily facade. at the end of the day we are left with emptiness within. so, do what we do counts? are they just senseless actions since we all know that, some day, everything will just revert back to null? i have many questions in my head and it's hard to find even an answer. i'll probably feel less small if things that i do is appreciated. appreciation seems to have died. everyone around me seems to be plagued with problems. and all of them, like me, are constantly putting up a false front. happy faces and silly jokes seems to transform themselves into tears and angst when we are faced with the 4 walls of our room.

will i ever be really happy one day? happy meaning i feel contented, safe, secure and peaceful. i just hate to be living with doubts and insecurity all the time. if there's something to trade for that little piece of serenity, i will go all out to get it. it just means so much for me.

i told someone that being selfless is not gonna work out to your advantage in this imperfect world we are living in. but being too selfish wouldn't make things better. so where's the balance? how much is too much? giving in to someone you love and making him happy is such a nice thing to do. and in return you get a wonderful feeling of great accomplishment. but sometimes instead of the great feeling, you get a slap in the face. so should we give less just to safeguard our own feelings?

sometimes i feel that i've taken too big a bite off the apple. i think i am incapable of handling so many things at the same time. so i am always compromising. and once i compromise on 1 thing, i feel a great sense of remorse and guilt for not giving my best. and due to the heavy overload on my mind, i think i've compromised on everything. such that nothing gets my 100% effort. relationship, my friends, refund, kraus and my family.

i've suffered emotionally, physically and financially. i am not trynna trade here. but i hope i get something back in return. maybe my smile?