:: it's inside out and upside down ::

i am busy yet lazy.

ok. i am feeling strangled again.

:: ouch ::

1 lost 1 dead.

bat missed cat so much, that she died. and cat has not returned home yet.

although they do not live with me and i don't visit them that often, but... i don't know what to say. can only hope that cat can be found soon.

i still remember the time when poker died. and now bat has gone. maybe it's the jinxed tank. only 1 in the tank can survive. it's fucking cursed i think.

it will be a new cage for sunny once i find a nice one. i thought of transferring him into the other cage as the current one is quite worn already. but on second thoughts, no. kaptain kraus died in it. it's probably cursed too.

:: dream ::

life seems like a dream.

not that it's the kind of life i dream of.

but everyday is just like passing by like as though it didn't happen.

maybe it's good this way. just let everything happen naturally. maybe i am just too tired to think about anything.

:: screaming my heart out ::

oh simple thing where have you gone
i'm getting old and i need something to rely on
so tell me when you're gonna let me in
i'm getting tired and i need somewhere to begin

:: life ::

is all about screaming into pillows and pulling your hair out.

i feel gagged. it's so suffocating.

:: everybody's changing ::

so much for trying to get myself back to the social circle i used to love. somehow, i feel that it isn't what it used to be and i don't feel like going back to it now. maybe later when i am having another one of those moments i would start missing things again. but definitely not now.

it may sound like a fit of childish ranting here. alot of angst and pent up frustration. but seriously i don't give 2 shits about it and if it changes things further, so be it.

for starters, don't offer me help when you don't mean it. i've rescheduled my week because someone offered to help me on my latest school assignment. i am almost clueless about what the module is about and i probably need alot of help in the assignment. that's when an angel heard my woes and decided to help me. but alas! he dropped a bomb on me. not that i am any worse off in any way, but i feel cheated and somehow it dented the friendship. it's not the first time he dropped a bomb on me but i learnt to trust and put shit behind me. maybe not this time. enough.

secondly, don't sound so awfully disappointed if i am unable to attend some gathering when my opinion wasn't seeked at all. like "hey we are going to on , are you coming?" i am not free and what do you want me to do? since everything is arranged, everyone can go ahead without me and i am not even gonna fucking whine. don't make it sound like i am deliberately trying to avoid the gathering. if i am so important to be around, reschedule.

no time for nonsense people anymore.

i think i shall stick to what i have now and stop looking back at what i have lost. people come and go. only the worthy ones will stay.

:: always look on the bright side of life ::

work's gonna start on the 14th, so it's 1 week left of "holiday" for me. i think i need to wear uniform to work there, like eeews. most likely would bring something to change if the uniform's horrid.

the flowers are blooming in the garden despite the vicious attacks of the fucking caterpillars. the current highlight will be the biggggg sunflowers. but it's so difficult to get them to grow at the same pace so they will look nice in a straight row. the seedlings are gonna be replanted into the ground soon and there will be more of them.

a picture i took today before dark.

got other pictures of the dwarf rose plant, but somehow the stupid camera for my phone cannot focus properly. they are really tiny and look so cute. haha.

:: ... ::

haven't wrote anything for some time already. been busy juggling school and work at the same time. having an income definitely beats trying to survive on a measly weekly allowance. but good things usually don't last as long as we want them to. the project at discovery ended early and i am jobless again. will be starting work again in another 2 weeks' time at a bank. the pay's less and the working hours are longer, but do i really have a choice?

apart from juggling studies and work, i suddenly felt a need to start doing something with regard to my social life. i don't think i was born to be someone sociable and i must admit i have little friends. i find it difficult to make friends and even more challenging to keep those who actually made it to be friends with me in the first place.

i wonder if everyone would stop at some point in their life and do some evaluation of it. i don't know how i would really rate my life now. i don't feel that it's fulfilling. yet i don't know what i can do to make things better.