:: anxiety disorder? ::

my unit medical officer thinks i am suffering from anxiety disorder. i went for the 'fit for infantry' medical checkup yesterday to see if i am able to attend a 10week course. i didn't really wanna go 'cause i don't wanna miss the dog show in july and leaving my dog in the hands of my parents isn't such a comfortable thought. so i was quite nervous when it was my turn to go in. in the end they found nothing wrong with me at all. then i suddenly turned green and started having stomach cramps, weak knees and my whole body was trembling like i am gonna collapse anytime. that's was when they decided to put me on hold for 3 more months before deciding again if i need to attend the course.

and so... i got referred to the saf psychiatrist at nuh. i don't know when's the appointment yet.

i am relieved yet stressed out. at least i don't have to go for the course for the time being. but is there really something wrong with me? or is it just a reaction from my mind at that moment of time?

greg thinks i am weak i think. although he didn't put it directly across to me, his feeling is that i am not man enough for him. yeah, maybe. when the problems pile up and experience at work isn't that fantastic, it sorta killed the boyhood in me.

he told me to give it up 'cause he thinks we won't probably work it out eventually. but i talked to him and came to a compromise that there will be no promises for the time being. he treats me more like a friend for now. but i still treat him as somebody that is more than just a friend. eventually i still hope that it can really work out between us. he has all the basic qualities that i am looking out for.

i talked to leo last night about all these. he thinks that in order for someone to be 'man' enough and give the other party a sense of security and reliability, one has to be confident enough in life. there's a tinge of inferiority complex within me now. i feel that i don't shine as much as i used to when i am next to greg. it just seems to me that everything about him is so much better than me. he has got a great family, lotsa dough to fling around, a pretty face, outspoken and a very cultured life. leo says that in this era, there isn't such thing as background compatibility anymore. yeah i know that, but greg and i are truly from different walks of life. i am not giving up yet though things don't seem quite positive between me and greg now. but, there's no harm trying i guess. at least i wouldn't regret it, cause i know i have given my best.